literary transcript

CHAPTER XXIV

June 23^rd and July 5^th 1927

She couldn't afford it; but that didn't matter. Mrs Amberley was used to doing things she couldn't afford. It was really so simple; you just sold a little War Loan, and there you were. There you were with your motor tour in Italy, your nudes by Pascin, you account at Fortnum and Mason. And there, finally, you were in Berkshire, in the most adorable little old house, smelling of pot-pourrri, with towering lime trees on the lawn and the downs at your back door, stretching away mile after mile in smooth green nakedness under the sky. She couldn't afford it; but it was so beautiful, so perfect. And after all, what were a hundred and fifty pounds of War Loan? How much did they bring in? About five pounds a year, when the taxes had been paid. And what were five pounds a year? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And besides, Gerry was going to re-invest her money for her. Her capital might have shrunk; but her income would soon start growing. Next year she would be able to afford it; and so, in anticipation of that happy time, here she was, sitting under the lime trees on the lawn with her guests around her.

Propped up on one elbow, Helen was lying on a rug behind her mother's chair. She was paying no attention to what was being said. The country was so exquisitely beautiful that one really couldn't listen to old Anthony holding forth about the place of machines in history; no, the only thing one could do in such heavenly circumstances was to play with the kitten. What the kitten liked best, she found, was the rug game. You pushed a twig under the corner of the rug, very slowly, till the end reappeared again on the other side, like the head of an animal cautiously peering out from its burrow. A little way, very suspiciously; and then with a jerk you withdrew it. The animal had taken fright and scuttled back to cover. Then, plucking up its courage, out it came once more, went nosing to right and left between the grass stems, then retired to finish its meal safely under the rug. Long seconds passed; and suddenly out it popped like a jack-in-the-box, as though it were trying to catch any impending danger unaware, and was back again in a flash. Then once more, very doubtfully and reluctantly – impelled only by brute necessity and against its better judgment – it emerged into the open, conscious, you felt, of being the predestined victim, foreknowing its dreadful fate. And all this time the tabby kitten was following its comings and goings with a bright expressionless ferocity. Each time the twig retired under the rug, he came creeping, with an infinity of precautions, a few inches nearer. Nearer, nearer, and now the moment had come for him to crouch for the final, decisive spring. The green eyes stared with an absurd balefulness; the tiny body was so heavily overcharged with a tigerish intensity of purpose that, not the tail only, but the whole hind-quarters shook under the emotional pressure. Overhead, meanwhile, the lime trees rustled in a faint wind, the round dapplings of golden light moved noiselessly back and forth across the grass. On the other side of the lawn the herbaceous borders blazed in the sunshine as though they were on fire, and beyond them lay the downs like huge animals, fast asleep, with the indigo shadows of clouds creeping across their flanks. It was all so beautiful, so heavenly, that every now and then Helen simply couldn't stand it any longer, but had to drop the twig and catch up the kitten, and rub her cheek against the silky fur, and whisper meaningless words to him in baby language, and hold him up with ridiculously dangling paws in front of her face, so that their noses almost touched, and stare into those blankly bright green eyes, till at last the helpless little beast began to mew so pathetically that she had to let him go again. 'Poor darling!' she murmured repentantly. 'Did I torture him?' But the torturing had served its purpose; the painful excess of her happiness had overflowed, as it were, and left her at ease, the heavenly beauty was once more supportable. She picked up the twig. Forgivingly, for he had already forgotten everything, the kitten started the game all over again.

The ringing of a bicycle bell made her look up. It was the postman riding up the drive with the afternoon delivery. Helen scrambled to her feet and, taking the kitten with her, walked quickly but, she hoped, inconspicuously towards the house. At the door she met the parlour-maid coming out with the letters. There were two for her. The first she opened was from Joyce, from Aldershot. (She had to smile as she read the address at the head of the paper. 'Joyce is now living at A-aldershot,' her mother would say, lingering over the first syllable of the name with a kind of hollow emphasis and in a tone of slightly shocked incredulity, as though it were really inconceivable that any daughter of hers should find herself at such a place. 'At A-aldershot, my dear.' And she managed to endow that military suburb with the fabulous strangeness of Tibet, the horror and remoteness of darkest Liberia. 'Living at A-aldershot – as a mem-sahib.')

'Just a line,' Helen read, still smiling, 'to thank you for your sweet letter. I am rather worried by what you say about Mother's taking so many sleeping draughts. They can't be good for her. Colin thinks she ought to take more healthy exercise. Perhaps you might suggest riding. I have been having riding lessons lately, and it is really lovely once you are used to it. We are now quite settled in, and you have no idea how adorable our little house looks now. Colin and I worked like niggers to get things straight, and I must say the results are worth all the trouble. I had to pay a lot of nerve-racking calls; but everybody has been very nice to me and I feel quite at home now. Colin sends his love. - Yours,

JOYCE.'

The other letter – and that was why she had gone to meet the postman – was from Hugh Ledwidge. If the letters had been brought to Mrs Amberley on the lawn; if she had sorted them out, in public … Helen flushed with imagined shame and anger at the thought of what her mother might have said about that letter from Hugh. In spite of all the people sitting round; or rather because of them. When they were alone, Helen generally got off with a teasing word. But when other people were there, Mrs Amberley would feel inspired by her audience to launch out into elaborate descriptions and commentaries. 'Hugh and Helen,' she would explain, 'they're a mixture between Socrates and Alcibiades and Don Quixote and Dulcinea.' There were moments when she hated her mother. 'It's a case,' said the remembered voice, ‘a case of: I could not love thee, dear, so much, loved I not ethnology more.' Helen had had to suffer a great deal on account of those letters.

She tore open the envelope.

’22.vi.27.

'Midsummer Day, Helen. But you're too young, I expect, to think much about the significance of special days. You've only been in the world for about seven thousand days altogether; and one has got to have lived through at least ten thousand before one begins to realize that there aren't any indefinite number of them and that you can't do exactly what you want with them. I've been here more than thirteen thousand days, and the end's visible, the boundless possibilities have narrowed down. One must cut according to one's cloth; and one's cloth is not only exiguous; it's also of one special kind – and generally of poor quality at that. When one's young, one thinks one can tailor one's time into all sorts of splendid and fantastic garments – shakoes and chasubles and Ph.D gowns; Nijinsky's tights and Rimbaud's slate-blue trousers and Garibaldi's red shirt. But by the time you've lived ten thousand days, you begin to realize that you'll be lucky if you succeed in cutting one decent workaday suit out of the time at your disposal. It's a depressing realization; and Midsummer is one of the days that brings it home. The longest day. One of the sixty or seventy longest days of one's five and twenty thousand. And what have I done with this longest day – longest of so few, of so uniform, of so shoddy? The catalogue of my occupations would be humiliatingly absurd and pointless. The only creditable and, in any profound sense of the word, reasonable thing I've done is to think a little about you, Helen, and write this letter …'

'Any interesting letters?' asked Mrs Amberley when her daughter came out again from the house.

'Only a note from Joyce.'

'From our mem-sahib?'

Helen nodded.

'She's living at A-aldershot, you know,' said Mary Amberley to the assembled company. 'At A-aldershot,' she insisted, dragging out the first syllable, till the phrase became ludicrously unreal and the fact that Joyce lived there, a fantastic and slightly indecent myth.

'You can thank your lucky stars that you aren't living at Aldershot,' said Anthony. 'After all, you ought to be. A general's daughter.'

For the first moment Mary was put out by his interruption; she had looked forward to developing her fantastic variations on the theme of Aldershot. But her good humour returned as she perceived the richer opportunity with which he had provided her. 'Yes, I know,' she cried eagerly. 'A general's daughter. And do you realize that, but for the grace of God, I might at this moment be a colonel's wife? I was within an ace of marrying a solider. Within an ace, I tell you. The most ravishingly beautiful creature. But ivory,' she rapped her forehead, 'solid ivory. It was lucky he was such a crashing bore. If he'd been the tiniest bit brighter, I'd have gone out to India with him. And then what? It's unimaginable.'

'Unimaginable!' Beppo repeated, with a little squirt of laughter.

'On the contrary,' said Anthony, 'perfectly imaginable. The club every evening between six and eight; parties at government house; adultery in the hot weather, polo in the cold; incessant bother with the Indian servants; permanent money difficulties and domestic scenes; occasional touches of malaria and dysentery; the monthly parcel of second-hand novels from the Times Book Club; and all the time the inexorable advance of age – twice as fast as in England. If you've ever been to India, nothing's more easy to imagine.'

'And you think all that would have happened to me?' asked Mary.

'What else could have happened? You don't imagine you'd have gone about buying Pascins in Quetta.'

Mary laughed.

'Or reading Max Jacob in Rawalpindi? You'd have been a mem-sahib like all the other mem-sahibs. A bit more bored and discontented than most of them, perhaps. But still a mem-sahib.'

'I suppose so,' she agreed. 'But is one so hopelessly at the mercy of circumstances?'

He nodded.

'You don't think I'd have escaped.'

'I can't see why.'

'But that means there isn't really any such thing as me. Me,' she repeated, laying a hand on her breast. 'I don't really exist.'

'No, of course you don't. Not in that absolute sense. You're a chemical compound, not an element.'

'But if one doesn't really exist, one wonders why … ' she hesitated.

'Why one makes such a fuss about things,' Anthony suggested. 'All that howling and hurrahing and gnashing of teeth. About the adventures of a self that isn't really a self – just the result of a lot of accidents. And of course,' he went on, 'once you start wondering, you see at once that there is no reason for making such a fuss. And then you don't make a fuss – that is, you're sensible. Like me,' he added, smiling.

There was a silence. 'You don't make a fuss,' Mrs Amberley repeated to herself, and thought of Gerry Watchett. 'You don't make a fuss.' But how was it possible not to make a fuss, when he was so stupid, so selfish, so brutal, and at the same time so excruciatingly desirable – like water in the desert, like sleep after insomnia? She hated him; but the thought that in a few days he would be there, staying in the house, sent a prickling sensation of warmth through her body. She shut her eyes and drew a deep breath.

Still carrying the kitten, like a furry baby, in her arms, Helen had walked away across the lawn. She wanted to be alone, out of earshot of that laughter, those jarringly irrelevant voices. 'Seven thousand days,' she repeated again and again. And it was not only the declining sun that made everything seem so solemnly and richly beautiful; it was also the thought of the passing days, of human limitations, of the final inescapable dissolution. 'Seven thousand days,' she said aloud, 'seven thousand days.' The tears came into her eyes; she pressed the sleeping kitten closely to her breast.

Savernake, the White Horse, Oxford; and in between whiles the road and screech of Gerry's Bugatti, the rush of the wind, the swerves and bumps, the sickening but at the same time delicious terrors of excessive speed. And now they were back again. After an age, it seemed; and at the same time it was as though they had never been away. The car came to a halt; but Helen made no move to alight.

'What's the matter?' Gerry asked. 'Why don't you get out?'

'It seems so terribly final,' she said with a sigh. 'Like breaking a spell. Like stepping out of the magic circle.'

'Magic?' he repeated questioningly. 'What kind? White or black?'

Helen laughed. 'Piebald. Absolutely heavenly and absolutely awful. You know, Gerry, you ought to be put in gaol, the way you drive. Or in a lunatic asylum. Crazy and criminal. But I adored it,' she added, as she opened the door and stepped out.

'Good!' was all he answered, while he gave her a smile that was as studiedly unamorous as he could make it. He threw the car into gear and, in a stink of burnt castor oil, shot off round the house, towards the garage.

Charming! he was thinking. And how wise he had been to take that jolly, honest-to-God, big-brother line with her! Ground bait. Getting the game accustomed to you. She'd soon be eating out of his hand. The real trouble, of course, was Mary. Tiresome bitch! he thought, with a sudden passion of loathing. Jealous, suspicious, interfering. Behaving as though he were her private property. And greedy, insatiable. Perpetually thrusting herself upon him – thrusting that ageing body of hers. His face, as he manoeuvred the car into the garage, was puckering into folds of distaste. But thank God, he went on to reflect, she'd got this chill on the liver, or whatever it was. That ought to keep her quiet for a bit, keep her out of the way.

Without troubling to take off her coat, and completely forgetting her mother's illness and for the moment her very existence, Helen crossed the hall and, almost running, burst into the kitchen.

'Where's Tompy, Mrs Weeks?' she demanded of the cook. The effect of the sunshine and the country and Gerry's Bugatti had been such that it was now absolutely essential to her that she should take the kitten in her arms. Immediately. 'I must have Tompy,' she insisted. And by way of excuse and explanation, 'I didn't have time to see him this morning,' she added; 'we started in such a hurry.'

'Tompy doesn't seem to be well, Miss Helen.' Mrs Weeks put away her sewing.

'Not well?'

'I put him in here,' Mrs Weeks went on, getting up from her Windsor chair and leading the way to the scullery. 'It's cooler. He seemed to feel the heat so. As though he was feverish like. I'm sure I don't know what's the matter with him,' she concluded in a tone half of complaint, half of sympathy. She was sorry for Tompy. But she was also sorry for herself because Tompy had given her all this trouble.

The kitten was lying in the shadow, under the sink. Crouching down beside the basket, Helen stretched out her hand to take him; then, with a little exclamation of horror, withdrew it, as though from the contact of something repellent.

'But what has happened to him?' she cried.

The little cat's tabby coat had lost all its smoothness, all its silky lustre, and was matted into damp uneven tufts. The eyes were shut and gummy with a yellow discharge. A running at the nose had slimed the beautifully patterned fur of the face. The absurd lovely little Tompy she had played with only yesterday, the comic and exquisite Tompy she had held up, pathetically helpless, in one hand, had rubbed her face against, had stared into the eyes of, was gone, and in his place lay a limp unclean little rag of living refuse. Like those kidneys, it suddenly occurred to her with a qualm of disgust; and at once she felt ashamed of herself for having had the thought, for having, in that first gesture of recoil, automatically acted upon the thought even before she had consciously had it.

'How beastly I am!' she thought. 'Absolutely beastly!'

Tompy was sick, miserable, dying perhaps. And she had been too squeamish even to touch him. Making an effort to overcome her distaste, she reached out once more, picked up the little cat, and with the fingers of her free hand caressed (with what a sickening reluctance!) the dank bedraggled fur. The tears came into her eyes, overflowed, ran down her cheeks.

'It's too awful, it's too awful,' she repeated in a breaking voice. Poor little Tompy! Beautiful, adorable, funny little Tompy! Murdered – no; worse than murdered: reduced to a squalid little lump of dirt; for no reason, just senselessly; and on this day of all days, this heavenly day with the clouds over the White Horse, the sunshine between the leaves in Savernake forest. And now, to make it worse, she was disgusted by the poor little beast, couldn't bear to touch him, as though he were one of those filthy kidneys – she, who had pretended to love him, who did love him, she insisted to herself. But it was no good her holding him like this and stroking him; it made no difference to what she was really feeling. She might perform the gesture of overcoming her disgust; but the disgust was still there. In spite of the love.

She lifted a streaming face to Mrs Weeks. 'What shall we do?'

Mrs Weeks shook her head. 'I never found there was much you could do,' she said. 'Not with cats.'

'But there must be something.'

'Nothing except leave them alone,' insisted Mrs Weeks, with a pessimism evidently reinforced by her determination not to be bothered. Then, touched by the spectacle of Helen's misery, 'He'll be all right, dear,' she added consolingly. 'There's no need to cry. Just let him sleep it off.'

Footsteps sounded on the flagstones of the stable yard, and through the open window came the notes of 'Yes, sir, she's my baby,' whistled slightly out of tune. Helen straightened herself up from her crouching position and, leaning out, 'Gerry!' she called; then added, in response to his expression of surprised commiseration, 'Something awful has happened.'

In his large powerful hands Tompy seemed more miserably tiny than ever. But how gentle he was, and how efficient! Watching him, as he swabbed the little cat's eyes, as he wiped away the slime from the nostrils, Helen was amazed by the delicate precision of his movements. She herself, she reflected with a heightened sense of her own shameful ineptitude, had been incapable of doing anything except stroke Tompy's fur and feel disgusted. Hopeless, quite hopeless! And when he asked for help in getting Tompy to swallow half an aspirin tablet crushed in milk, she bungled everything and spilt the medicine.

'Perhaps I can do it better by myself,' he said, and took the spoon from her. The cup of her humiliation was full …

Mary Amberley was indignant. Here she was, feverish and in pain, worrying herself, what was more, into higher fever, worse pain, with the thought of Gerry's dangerous driving. And here was Helen, casually strolling into her room after having been in the house for more than two hours – more than two hours without having had the common decency to come and see how she was, more than two hours while her mother – how mother, mind you! - had lain there, in an agony of distress, thinking that they must have had an accident.

'But Tompy was dying,' Helen explained. 'He's dead now.' Her face was very pale, her eyes red with tears.

'Well, if you prefer a wretched cat to your mother …'

'Besides, you were asleep. If you hadn't been asleep, you'd have heard the car coming back.'

'Now you're grudging me my sleep,' said Mrs Amberley bitterly. 'Aren't I to be allowed a moment's respite from pain? Besides,' she added, 'I wasn't asleep. I was delirious. I've been delirious several times today. Of course I didn't hear the car.' Her eyes fell on the bottle of Somnifaine standing on the table by her bed, and the suspicion that Helen might also have noticed it made her still more angry. 'I always knew you were selfish,' she went on. 'But I must say I didn't think you'd be quite as bad as this.'

At another time Helen would have flared up in angry self-defence, or else, convicted of guilt, would have burst out crying. But today she was feeling too miserable to be able to shed any more tears, too much subdued by shame and unhappiness to resent even the most flagrant injustice. Her silence exasperated Mrs Amberley still further.

'I always used to think,' she resumed, 'that you were only selfish from thoughtlessness. But now I see that it's heartlessness. Plain heartlessness. Here am I – having sacrificed the best years of my life to you; and what do I get in return?' Her voice trembled as she asked the question. She was convinced of the reality of that sacrifice, profoundly moved by the thought of its extent, its martyr-like enormity. 'The most cynical indifference. I might die in a ditch; but you wouldn't care. You'd be much more upset about your cat. And now go away,' she almost shouted, 'go away!' I know my temperature's gone up. Go away.'

After a lonely dinner – for Helen was keeping to her room on the plea of a headache – Gerry went up to sit with Mrs Amberley. He was particularly charming that evening, and so affectionately solicitous that Mary forgot all her accumulated grounds of complaint and fell in love with him all over again, and for another set of reasons – not because he was so handsome, so easily and insolently dominating, such a ruthless and accomplished lover, but because he was kind, thoughtful and affectionate, was everything, in a word, she had previously known he wasn't.

Half-past ten struck. He rose from his chair. 'Time for your spot of shut-eye.'

Mary protested; he was firm – for her own good.

Thirty drops were the normal dose of Somnifaine; but he measured out forty-five, so as to make quite sure of her sleeping, make her drink, then tucked her up ('like an old Nanny,' she cried, laughing with pleasure, as he busied himself round the bed) and, after kissing her goodnight with an almost maternal tenderness, turned out the light and left her.

The clock of the village church sounded eleven – how sadly, Helen thought as she listened to the strokes of the distant bell, how lonelily! It was as though she were listening to the voice of her own spirit, reverberated in some mysterious way from the walls of the enclosing night. One, two, three, four … Each sweet, cracked note seemed more hopelessly mournful, seemed to rise from the depths of a more extreme solitude, than the last. Tompy had died, and she hadn't even been capable of giving him a spoonful of milk and crushed aspirin, hadn't had the strength to overcome her disgust.

Selfish and heartless: her mother was quite right. But lonely as well as selfish, all alone among the senseless malignities that had murdered poor little Tompy; and her heartlessness spoke with the despairing voice of that bell; night was empty and enormous all around.

'Helen!'

She started and turned her head. The room was impenetrably black.

'It's me,' Gerry's voice continued. 'I was so worried about you. Are you feeling better?'

Her first surprise and alarm had given place to a feeling of resentment that he should intrude upon the privacy of her unhappiness. 'You needn't have bothered,' she said coldly. 'I'm quite all right.'

Enclosed in his faint aura of Turkish tobacco, of peppermint-flavoured toothpaste and bay rum, he approached invisibly. Through the blanket, a groping hand touched her shin: then the springs creaked and tilted under his weight as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

'Felt a bit responsible,' he went on. 'All that looping the loop!' The tone of his voice implied the unseen smile, suggested a whimsical and affectionate twinkling of hidden eyes.

She made no comment; there was a long silence. A bad start, Gerry thought, and frowned to himself in the darkness; then began again on another tack.

'I can't help thinking of that miserable little Tompy,' he said in a different voice. 'Extraordinary how upsetting it is when an animal gets ill like that. It seems so frightfully unfair.'

In a few minutes she was crying, and he had an excuse to console her.

Gently, as he had handled Tompy, and with all the tenderness that had so much touched Mrs Amberley, he stroked her hair, and later, when her sobs began to subside, drew the fingers of his other hand along her bare arm. Again and again, with the patient regularity of a nurse lulling her charge to sleep; again and again … Three hundred times at least, he was thinking, before he risked any gesture that could possibly be interpreted as amorous. Three hundred times; and even then the caresses would have to deviate by insensible degrees, as though by a series of accidents, till gradually, unintentionally, the hand that was now on her arm would come at last to be brushing, with the same maternal persistence, against her breast, while the fingers that came and went methodically among the curls would have strayed to the ear, and from the ear across the cheek to the lips, and would linger there lightly, chastely, but charged with the stuff of kisses, proxies and forerunners of the mouth that would ultimately come down on hers, through the darkness, for the reward of its long patience.