CHAPTER XXXVI

 

July 19^th 1914

 

In the train going north, Anthony thought of what was in store for him.  Within the next two days, or at the outside three, Brian would have to be told about what had happened, and a letter would have to be written to Joan.  In what words?  And what excuses should he make for himself?  Should he tell the whole truth about his bet with Mary?  For himself, the truth had certain advantages; if he told it, he could throw most of the blame for what had happened on Mary – but at the risk, he went on to think, of seeming miserably feeble.  And that was not the only disadvantage; for Joan, the truth would be intolerably humiliating.  However much blame he threw on Mary, the insult to Joan would remain.  If only he could tell the truth to Brian and something else to Joan!

      But that wasn't possible.  They would have to be told the same story, and, for Joan's sake, a story that wasn't true.  But what story?  Which explanation of the facts would throw least discredit upon himself and inflict the least humiliation on Joan?  On the whole, he decided, the best thing to say would be that he had lost his head -  been carried away by a sudden impulse, an impulse that he had subsequently seen the madness of and regretted.  It was somebody else who had kissed her: that was what he would write to Joan.  Somebody else – but not too else.  She wouldn't like it if she were made to feel that it was a mere momentary baboon who had behaved like that in the unlighted drawing-room.  The person who had kissed her would have to be partially himself.  Enough himself to have been all the time very fond of her, profoundly sorry for her; but someone else to the extent of allowing the circumstances of the evening to transform the affection and sympathy into – what?  Love?  Desire?  No, he would have to avoid saying anything so specific; would have to talk about confusions, temporary insanities spoiling a relationship which had been so fine, and so forth.  Meanwhile he could only say that he was sorry and ashamed; that he felt, more strongly than ever now, that Brian was the only man who was worthy of her, that the difficulties that had arisen between herself and Brian were only temporary and would soon … And all the rest.

      Yes, the letter ought to be fairly easy.  The trouble was that he would be expected to follow it up by interviews and explanations; that he would have to bear reproaches, listen to confidences, perhaps defend himself against declarations of passion.  And in the interval there would be Brian to talk to -  and with Brian the thing would begin with the interviews; and the more he thought about those interviews, the harder did he find it to foresee the part that Brian would play in them.  Anthony imagined himself trying to make it clear that he wasn't in love, that Joan had only momentarily lost her head as he had lost his, that nothing had changed, and that all Brian had to do was to go and kiss her himself.  But would he succeed in making Brian believe him?  The man being what he was, it seemed to him probable – seemed more probable the more he thought about it – that he would fail.  Brian was the sort of man who would imagine that one couldn't kiss a woman under any compulsion less urgent than the deepest, most heartfelt love.  He would be told that Joan had been kissed and had returned the kisses; and no amount of talk about lost heads would persuade him that it wasn't a serious matter of love at its intensest pitch.  And then, Anthony speculated, what would the man do then?  He'd be hurt, of course, he'd feel betrayed; but the chances were that there'd be no recriminations.  No, something much worse might happen.  Brian would probably take all the blame on himself; would renounce all his rights, would refuse to believe it when Anthony swore that he wasn't in love and that it had all been a kind of bad joke; would insist, just because it would be so agonizing a sacrifice, that Joan should go to the man she really loved and who really loved her.  And then, suppose that, on her side, Joan agreed!  And it was probable, Anthony thought with dismay as he remembered her response to his kisses, it was almost certain even, that she would do so.  Appalling prospect!  He couldn't face it.  And why should he face it, after all?  He could borrow on his securities – enough to get out of the country and stay away; for six months, for a year if necessary.  And while the midlands streamed past the window, he leaned back with closed eyes, picturing himself in Italy or, if Italy wasn't far enough from England, in Greece, in Egypt, even in India, Malaya, Java.  With Mary; for of course Mary would have to come too, at least for part of the time.  She could dump the children with some relation; and Egypt, he reflected, practical in his daydreaming, Egypt in the off-season was quite cheap, and this war scare of course was nothing.  Was Luxor as impressive as it looked in the photographs?  And the Parthenon?  And Paestum?  And what of the tropics?  In imagination he sailed from island to island in the Aegean; smoked hashish in the slums of Cairo, ate bhang in Benares; did a slight Joseph Conrad in the East Indies, a slight Loti even, in spite of the chromolithograph style, among the copper-coloured girls and the gardenias, and, though he still found it impossible to like the man as much as Mary did, a slight Gauguin in the South Seas.  These future and hypothetical escapes  were escapes also here and now, so that for a long time in his corner of the compartment he quite forgot the reason for his projected flight into the exotic.  The memory of what had happened, the apprehensive anticipation of what was going to happen, returned only with the realization that the train was crossing Shap Fell, and that in less than an hour he would be talking to Brain on the platform at Ambleside.  All the old questions propounded themselves with a more desperate urgency.  What should he say?  How?  On what occasion?  And what would be Brian's response?  What Joan's, when she got his letter?  Horrible questions!  But why had he put himself in the position of having to provide or receive the answers to them?  What a fool he had been not to take flight at once!  By this time he could have been at Venice, in Calabria, on a ship in the Mediterranean.  Beyond the reach of letters.  Secure and happy in complete ignorance of the results of his actions.  And free.  Instead of which he had stupidly stayed where he was and consented to be made the slave of the circumstances his folly had created.  But even now, at the eleventh hour, it wasn't too late.  He could get out at the next station, make his way back to London, raise a little money and be off within twenty-four hours.  But when the train stopped at Kendal, he made no move.  The taking of so sudden and momentous a decision was something from which he shrank.  He hated suffering, and looked forward with dread to what the next few days and weeks held in store for him.  But his fear of suffering was less than his fear of action.  He found it easier to accept passively what came than to make a decisive choice and act upon it.

      As the train rolled on again, he thought of all the reasons why it had been right for him not to take that decision.  Brian was counting on him, would be so disturbed by his non-arrival that he might easily rush down to London to find out what had happened, see Joan and learn everything, at once.  And how should he explain things to his father?  Besides, there was no reason to think that Mary would come with him; she had made her arrangements for the summer and wouldn't, perhaps couldn't, alter them.  And while he was away, heaven only knew what rivals would present themselves.  Besides, flight would be cowardly, he went on to assure himself, and immediately afterwards was reflecting that he could probably escape from his difficulties just as effectively if he stayed in England.  A little tact, a bit of passive resistance …

      Brian was waiting on the platform when the train drew in, and at the sight of him Anthony felt a sudden pang of pitying distress.  For between the man and his clothes there was a startling and painful incongruousness.  The rough homespun jacket and breeches, the stockings, the nailed boots, the bulging rucksack were emblems of energy and rustic good health.  But the Brian who wore these emblems was the living denial of their significance.  The long face was emaciated and sallow.  The nose seemed larger than in the past, the eye-sockets deeper, the cheekbones more prominent.  And when he spoke, he stammered more uncontrollably than ever.

      'But what is the matter with you?' cried Anthony, laying a hand on his friend's shoulder.  'You look wretched.'

      Half touched by this display of a genuine solicitude (it was extraordinary, he reflected, how charming Anthony could unexpectedly be), half annoyed by having been, as he felt, found out, Brian shook his head and mumbled something about being a bit tired and in need of a rest.

      But his idea of a rest, it turned out, was to walk twenty miles a day up and down the steepest hills he could find.

      Anthony looked at him disapprovingly.  'You ought to be lying out in a deckchair,' he said, but could see, as he spoke, that his advice was unwelcome.  With Brian it was a kind of dogma that taking violent exercise in mountain scenery was intrinsically good.  Good, because of Wordsworth; because, in his mother's version of Christianity, landscape took the place of revelation.

      'I l-like w-walking,' Brian insisted.  'S-saw a d-dipper yesterday.  The p-place is f-full of nice b-birds.'

      In his distress at finding his friend so ill, Anthony had forgotten all about Joan and the events of the last days; but those birds (those bö-öds, those piddle-warblers) reminded him violently of what had happened.  Feeling suddenly ashamed, as though he had been caught in some unworthy display of hypocrisy, Anthony withdrew his hand from Brian's shoulder.  They made their way in silence along the platform and out into the street.  There they halted for a discussion.  Brian wanted to send the luggage by the carrier and walk to their cottage in Langdale.  Anthony proposed that they should take a car.

      'You've no business to walk a step further today,' he said; then, when the other protested that he hadn't yet taken enough exercise, changed ground and insisted that it was he who was tired after the journey, and that anyhow he couldn't walk because he was wearing unsuitable clothes and shoes.  After a final plea to be allowed to walk back to Langdale by himself, Brian was overruled and submitted to the car.  They drove away.

      Breaking a long silence, 'Have you seen J-joan lately?' Brian asked.

      The other nodded without speaking.

      'How w-was she?'

      'Quite well,' Anthony found himself replying in the brightly vague tone in which one answers questions about the health of those in whom one takes no particular interest.  The lie – for it was a lie by omission – had come to him of its own accord.  By means of it, his mind had defended itself against Brian's question as automatically and promptly as his body, by blinking, by lifting an arm, by starting back, would have defended itself against an advancing fist.  But the words were no sooner spoken than he regretted their brevity and the casualness with which they had been uttered, than he felt that he ought at once to qualify them with additional information, in another and more serious tone.  He ought to rush in immediately, and without further delay make a clean breast of everything.  But time passed; he could not bring himself to speak; and within a few seconds he had already begun to dignify his cowardice with the name of consideration, he was already assuring himself that it would be wrong, Brian's health being what it was, to speak out at once, that the truly friendly thing was to wait and choose an occasion, tomorrow perhaps or the day after, when Brian was in a better state to receive the news.

      'You d-don't think she was w-worrying?' Brian went on.  'I m-mean ab-bout all this d-delay in our g-getting married?'

      'Well, of course,' Anthony admitted, 'she's not altogether happy about it.'

      Brian shook his head.  'N-nor am I.  But I th-think it's r-right; and I th-think in the l-long r-run she'll see it was r-right.'  Then, after a silence, 'If only one were a-absolutely certain,' he said.  'S-sometimes I w-wonder if it isn't a k-kind of s-selfishness.'

      'What is?'

      'St-sticking to p-principles, reg-gardless of p-people.  P-people – o-other p-people, I mean – p-perhaps they're m-more imp-portant e-even than what one kn-knows is a r-right p-principle.  But if you d-don't st-stick to your p-principles …' he hesitated, turned a puzzled and unhappy face towards Anthony, then looked away again: 'well, where are you?' he concluded despairingly.

      'The sabbath is made for man,' said Anthony; and thought resentfully what a fool Brian had been not to take whatever money he could get and marry out of hand.  If Joan had been safely married, there would have been no confidences, no bet, no kiss and none of the appalling consequences of kissing.  And then, of course, there was poor Joan.  He went on to feel what was almost righteous indignation against Brian for not having grasped the fundamental Christian principle that the sabbath is made for man, not man for the sabbath.  But was it made for man, an intrusive voice suddenly began asking, to the extent of man's having the right, for a bet, to disturb the equilibrium of another person's feelings, to break up a long-established relationship, to betray a friend?

      Brain meanwhile was thinking of the occasion, a couple of month before, when he and Joan had talked over the matter with his mother.

      'You still think,' she had asked, 'that you oughtn't to take the money?' and went on, when he told her that his opinions hadn't changed, to set forth all the reasons why it wouldn't be wrong for him to take it.  The system might be unjust, and it might be one's duty to alter it; but meanwhile one could use one's financial advantages to help the individual victims of the system, to forward the cause of desirable reform.

      'That's what I've always felt about it,' his mother concluded.

      And had been right, he insisted; and that he didn't dream of criticizing what she had done, of even thinking it criticizable.  But that was because her circumstances had been so different from his.  A man, he had opportunities to make his own living such as she had never had.  Besides, she had been left with responsibilities; whereas he …

      'But what about Joan?' she interrupted, laying her hand affectionately, as she spoke, on Joan's arm.  'Isn't she a responsibility?'

      He dropped his eyes and, feeling that it was not for him to answer the question, said nothing.

      There were long seconds of an uncomfortably expectant silence, while he wondered whether Joan would speak and what, if she didn't, he should say and do.

      Then, to his relief, 'After all,' Joan brought out at last in a curiously flat and muffled voice, 'Brian was a child then.  But I'm grown up, I'm responsible for myself.  And I'm able to understand his reasons.'

      He raised his head and looked at her with a smile of gratitude.  But her face was cold and as though remote, she met his eyes for only a moment, then looked away.

      'You understand his reasons?' his mother questioned.

      Joan nodded.

      'And you approve them?'

      She hesitated for a moment, then nodded again.  'If Brian thinks it's right,' she began, and broke off.

      His mother looked from one to the other.  'I think you're a pair of rather heroic young people,' she said, and the tone of her voice, so beautiful, so richly vibrant with emotion, imparted to the words a heightened significance.  He felt that he had been confirmed in his judgment.

      But later, he remembered with a pained perplexity, later, when Joan and he were alone together and he tried to thank her for what she had done, she turned on him with a bitterly resentful anger.

      'You love your own ideas more than you love me.  Much more.'

      Brian sighed and, shaking himself out of his long distraction, looked at the trees by the side of the road, at the mountains so sumptuously shadowed and illumined by the late afternoon sunlight, at the marbly islands of cloud in the sky – looked at them, saw that they were beautiful, and found their beauty hopelessly irrelevant.

      'I wish to G-god,' he said, 'I knew what to d-do.'

      So did Anthony, though he did not say so.