CHAPTER XLVIII

 

July 23^rd 1914

 

Anthony had dozed off again after being called, and was late for breakfast.  As he entered the little living-room, Brian looked up with startled eyes and, as though guiltily, folded away the letter he had been reading into his pocket, but not before Anthony had recognized from across the room the unmistakable characteristics of Joan's rather heavy and elaborately looped writing.  Putting a specially casual note of cheeriness into his good-morning, he sat down and proceeded to busy himself elaborately, as though it were a complicated scientific process requiring the whole of his attention, with pouring out his coffee.

      'Should I tell him?' he was wondering.  'Yes, I ought to tell him.  It ought to come from me, even though he does know it already.  Bloody girl!  Why couldn't she keep her promise?'  He felt righteously indignant with Joan.  Breaking her word!  And what the devil had she told Brian?  What would happen if his own story was different from hers?  And anyhow, what a fool he would look, confessing now, when it was too late.  She had robbed him of the opportunity, the very possibility, of telling Brian what had happened.  The woman had queered his pitch; and as his anger modulated into self-pity, he perceived himself as a man full of good intentions, maliciously prevented, at the eleventh hour, from putting them into practice.  She had stopped his mouth just as he was about to speak the words that would have explained and made amends for everything; and by doing so, she had made his situation absolutely intolerable.  How the devil did she expect him to behave towards Brian, now that Brian knew?  He answered the question, so far, at any rate, as the next few minutes were concerned, by retiring behind the Manchester Guardian.  Hidden, he pretended, while he ate his scrambled eggs, to be taking a passionate interest in all this stuff about Russia and Austria and Germany.  But the silence, as it lengthened out, became at last intolerable.

      'This war business looks rather bad,' he said at last, without lowering his barricade.

      From the other end of the table Brian made a faint murmur of assent.  Seconds passed.  Then there was the noise of a chair being pushed back.  Anthony sat there, a man so deeply preoccupied with the Russian mobilization that he wasn't aware of what was going on in his immediate neighbourhood.  It was only when Brian had actually opened the door that he started ostentatiously into consciousness.

      'Off already?' he questioned, half turning, but not so far that he could see the other's face.

      'I d-don't think I shall g-go out this m-morning.'

      Anthony nodded approvingly, like a family doctor.  'That's good,' he said, and added that he himself proposed to hire a bicycle in the village and nip down to Ambleside.  There were some things he had to buy.  'See you at lunchtime,' he concluded.

      Brian said nothing.  The door closed behind him.

      By a quarter to one Anthony had returned his borrowed bicycle and was walking up the hill to the cottage.  This time it was settled, definitely, once and for all.  He would tell Brian everything – almost everything, the very moment he came in.

      'Brian!' he called from the doorstep.

      There was no answer.

      'Brian!'

      The kitchen door opened, and old Mrs Benson, who did their cooking and cleaning, stepped out into the narrow hall.  Mr Foxe, she explained, had started for a walk about half an hour before; wouldn't be back for lunch, he had said, but had wanted (would you believe it?) to set off without anything to eat; she had made him take some sandwiches and a hard-boiled egg.

      It was with a sense of inner discomfort that Anthony sat down to his solitary lunch.  Brian had deliberately avoided him; therefore must be angry – or worse, it occurred to him, was hurt – too deeply to be able to bear his presence.  The thought made him wince; to hurt people was so horrible, so hurting even to the hurter.  And if Brian came back from his walk magnanimously forgiving – and knowing him, Anthony felt convinced that he would – what then?  It was also painful to be forgiven; particularly painful in the case of an offence one had not oneself confessed.  'If only I could have told him,' he kept repeating to himself, 'if only I could have told him'; and almost contrived to persuade himself that he had been prevented.

      After lunch he walked up into the wild country behind the cottage, hoping (for it was now so urgently necessary to speak), and at the same time (since the speaking would be such an agonizing process) profoundly fearing, to meet Brian.  But he met nobody.  Resting on the crest of the hill, he managed for a little while to forget his troubles in sarcasms at the expense of the view.  So typically and discreditably English, he reflected, wishing that Mary were there to listen to his comments.  Mountain, valleys, lakes, but on the pettiest scale.  Miserably small and hole-and-cornery, like English cottage architecture – all inglenooks and charming features; nothing fine or grandiose.  No hint of thirteenth-century megalomania or baroque gesticulation.  A snug, smug little sublimity.  It was almost in high spirits that he started his descent.

      No, said old Mrs Benson, Mr Foxe hadn't yet come back.

      He had his tea alone, then sat on the deckchair on the lawn and read de Gourmont on style.  At six, Mrs Benson came out, and after elaborately explaining that she had laid the table and that the cold mutton was in the larder, wished him good-evening and walked away down the road towards her own cottage.

      Soon afterwards the midges began to bite and he went indoors.  The little bird in the Swiss clock opened its door, cuckooed seven times and retired again into silence.  Anthony continued to read about style.  Half an hour later the bird popped out for a single cry.  It was supper-time.  Anthony rose and walked to the back door.  Behind the cottage the hill was bright with an almost supernatural radiance.  There was no sign of Brian.  He returned to the sitting-room, and for a change read some Santayana.  The cuckoo uttered eight shrill hiccoughs.  Above the orange stain of sunset the evening planet was already visible.  He lit the lamp and drew the curtains.  Then, sitting down again, he tried to go on reading Santayana; but those carefully smoothed pebbles of wisdom rolled over the surface of his mind without making the smallest impression.  He shut the book at last.  The cuckoo announced that it was half-past eight.

      An accident, he was wondering, could the fellow have had an accident?  But, after all, people don't have accidents – not when they're out for a quiet walk.  A new thought suddenly came to him, and at once the very possibility of twisted ankles or broken legs disappeared.  That walk – he felt completely certain of it now – had been to the station.  Brian was in the train, on his way to London, on his way to Joan.  It was obvious, when one came to think of it; it simply couldn't be otherwise.

      'Christ!' Anthony said aloud in the solitude of the little room.  Then, made cynical and indifferent by the very hopelessness of the situation, he shrugged his shoulders and, lighting a candle, went out to the larder to fetch the cold mutton.

      This time, he decided, as he ate his meal, he really would escape.  Just bolt into hiding till things looked better.  He felt no compunction.  Brian's journey to London had relieved him, in his own estimation, of any further responsibility in the matter; he felt that he was now free to do whatever suited him best.

      In preparation for his flight, he went upstairs after supper and began to pack his bag.  The recollection that he had lent Brian The Wife of Sir Isaac Harman to read in bed sent him, candle in hand, across the landing.  On the chest of drawers in Brian's room three envelopes stood conspicuously propped against the wall.  Two, he could see from the doorway, were stamped, the other was unstamped.  He crossed the room to look at them more closely.  The unstamped envelope was addressed to himself, the others to Mrs Foxe and Joan respectively.  He set down the candle, took the envelope addressed to himself, and tore it open.  A vague but intense apprehension had filled his mind, a fear of something unknown, something he dared not know.  He stood there for a long time holding the open envelope in his hand and listening to the heavy pulse of his own blood.  Then, coming at last to a decision, he extracted the folded sheets.  There were two of them, one in Brian's writing, the other in Joan's.  Across the top of Joan's letter Brian had written: 'Read this for yourself.'  He read.

 

      'DEAREST BRIAN, - By this time Anthony will have told you what has happened.  And, if you know, it did just happen – from outside, if you see what I mean, like an accident, like being run into by a train.  I certainly hadn't thought about it before, and I don't think Anthony had – not really; the discovery that we loved one another just ran into us, ran over us.  There wasn't any question of us doing it on purpose.  That's why I don't feel guilty.  Sorry, yes – more than words can say – for the pain I know I shall give you.  Ready to do all I can to make it less.  Asking forgiveness for hurting you.  But not feeling guilty, not feeling I've treated you dishonourably.  I should only feel that if I had done it deliberately; but I didn't.  I tell you, it just happened to me – to us both.  Brian dear, I'm unspeakably sorry to be hurting you.  You of all people.  If it were a matter of doing it with intention, I couldn't do it.  No more than you could have hurt me intentionally.  But this thing has just happened, in the same way as it just happened that you hurt me because of that fear that you've always had of love.  You didn't want to hurt me, but you did; you couldn't help it.  The impulse that made you hurt me ran into you, ran over you, like this impulse of love that has run into me and Anthony.  I don't think it's anybody's fault, Brian.  We had bad luck.  Everything ought to have been so good and beautiful.  And then things happened to us – to you first, so that you had to hurt me; then to me.  Later on, perhaps, we can still be friends.  I hope so.  That's why I'm not saying goodbye to you, Brian dear.  Whatever happens, I am always your loving friend,

                                                                                                                                                                JOAN.'

 

      In the effort to keep up his self-esteem and allay his profound disquietude, Anthony forced himself to think with distaste of the really sickening style in which this kind of letter was generally written.  A branch of pulpit oratory, he concluded, and tried to smile to himself.  But it was no good.  His face refused to do what he asked of it.  He dropped Joan's letter and reluctantly picked up the other sheet in Brian's handwriting.

 

'DEAR A., - I enclose the letter I received this morning from Joan.  Read it; it will save me explaining.  How could he have done it?  That's the question I've been asking myself all the morning; and now I put it to you.  How could you?  Circumstances may have run over her – like a train, as she says.  And that, I know, was my fault.  But they couldn't have run over you.  You've told me enough about yourself and Mary Amberley to make it quite clear that there could be no question in your case of poor Joan's train.  Why did you do it?  And why did you come here and behave as though nothing had happened?  How could you sit there and let me talk about my difficulties with Joan and pretend to be sympathetic, when a couple of evenings before you had been giving her the kisses I wasn't able to give?  God knows, I've done all manner of bad and stupid things in the course of my life, told all manner of lies; but I honestly don't think I could have done what you have done.  I didn't think anybody could have done it.  I suppose I've been living in a sort of fool's paradise all these years, thinking the world was a place where this sort of thing simply couldn't happen.  A year ago I might have known how to deal with the discovery that it can happen.  Not now.  I know that, if I tried, I should just break down into some kind of madness.  This last year has strained me more than I knew.  I realize now that I'm all broken to pieces inside, and that I've been holding myself together by a continuous effort of will.  It's as if a broken statue somehow contrived to hold itself together.  And now this has finished it.  I can't hold any more.  I know if I were to see you now – and it's not because I feel that you've done something you shouldn't have done; it would be the same with anyone, even my mother – yes, if I were to see anyone who had ever meant anything to me, I should just break down and fall to bits.  A statue at one moment, and the next a heap of dust and shapeless fragments.  I can't face it.  Perhaps I ought to; but I simply can't.  I was angry with you when I began to write this letter, I hated you; but now I find I don't hate you any longer.  God bless you.

 

Anthony put the two letters and the torn envelope in his pocket, and, picking up the two stamped envelopes and the candle, made his way downstairs to the sitting-room.  Half an hour later, he went to the kitchen, and in the range, which was still smouldering, set fire one by one to all the papers that Brian had left behind him.  The two unopened envelopes with their closely folded contents burnt slowly, had to be constantly relighted; but at last it was done.  With the poker he broke the charred paper into dust, stirred up the fire to a last flame and drew the round cover back into place.  Then he walked out into the garden and down the steps to the road.  On the way to the village it suddenly struck him that he would never be able to see Mary again.  She would question him, she would worm the truth out of him and, having wormed it out, would proclaim it to the world.  Besides, would he even want to see her again now that Brian had … He could not bring himself to say the words even to himself.  'Christ!' he said aloud.  At the entrance to the village he halted for a few moments to think what he would say when he knocked up the policeman.  'My friend's lost … My friend has been out all day and … I'm worried about my friend …'  Anything would do; he hurried on, only anxious to get it over.