A MAGNANIMOUS OFFER
The drawing
room of Mr Cyril Richardson's country house in
HOST: (Eyes
his guest's three-quarter empty glass of white wine) I trust the wine is to
your liking, Oscar?
WILDE: Oh,
exquisite! What is it?
HOST: The
best.
WILDE:
(Politely if belatedly sniffs the bouquet) I thought as much. Vintage calibre! Alas, the number of perfect hosts is becoming
steadily fewer these days. Perfection is
quite out-of-fashion.
HOST:
Indeed? How fortunate for me that I'm
never invited anywhere by the imperfect ones. (He glances towards his wife, a
beautiful dark-haired woman who has been waiting on the edge of a group of
nearby conversationalists for the opportunity of being officially introduced to
Oscar Wilde, and indicates, by a polite gesture of his hand, that he would like
her to join them.) Tell me, Oscar, do you believe in miracles?
WILDE: Only
when they fail to convince me.
HOST: Then
you must meet my wife. She convinces
no-one but herself.
WILDE: A
regular affair!
HOST: (To
Wilde) Allow me to introduce you to Pamela.
Pamela, the poet Oscar Wilde.
HOSTESS:
(Extends her hand) Delighted to meet you, Mr Wilde. My husband has told me all about you.
WILDE:
(Kisses her hand) Then I beg your pardon, madam. He has probably told you too much.
HOSTESS:
(Excitedly) On the contrary, he rarely talks unless he's excited, and he's
rarely excited until he whets my curiosity.
HOST: Then
don't allow me to blunt it, my dear. (He turns to Wilde) If you'll excuse me,
Oscar, I must attend to our other guests a moment. Just let Pamela know if there's anything
you'd like. There's no shortage of wine
in the cabinet. (He points to a nearby wine cabinet and immediately sets off
towards some other guests.)
HOSTESS: I
trust you found your way here without too much inconvenience, Mr Wilde?
WILDE:
Indeed I did, madam. For the scent of
affluence sheds an irresistible attraction.
One finds half of London pursuing the same path.
HOSTESS:
(Scans the crowded room) Are you familiar with any of our other guests?
WILDE: Too
familiar, I'm afraid. That's the main
reason why I’m alone tonight.
HOSTESS:
Oh, really? Then I shall keep you
company, Mr Wilde. We mustn't allow that
brilliant tongue of yours to cease wagging just because you're temporarily or
temperamentally out-of-favour with the bulk of our illustrious company.
WILDE:
Thank you, madam. If I've previously
exhausted myself on a majority of the other persons here this evening, I have
yet to exhaust myself on you. Your
company exalts me, as does your wine.
HOSTESS: Then
have some more. (To his surprise she fetches an uncorked bottle of Sauterne
from the cabinet and pours its contents into his half-empty glass.) My husband was telling me, the other day, how
you recently made a valiant attempt to abstain from drink in the presence of Dr
Hugo Fleming.
WILDE:
(Blushes) Only an attempt, I'm glad to say.
Had I been rash enough to succeed, I should have forfeited the ultimate
pleasure of being carried home by that kindly old man and nursed back to drink
again. It has since become a ruse among
certain well-established dipsomaniacs to accredit me the possessor of an
unfortunately high metabolism.
HOSTESS:
(With a penetrating look) I find that quite credible.
WILDE: How
discerning! But one can't believe
everything one hears nowadays, particularly where one's health and pleasures
are concerned. One must be content with
believing only what one has to.
HOSTESS:
You seem more of a sage than I initially took you for, Mr Wilde. Tell me, when are you going to get married?
WILDE: (Lights
himself a gold-tipped and mildly-opiated cigarette)
Why, I wonder, is it only the married women who ask me that question?
HOSTESS:
Well?
WILDE: One
should only consider the possibility of marriage when one can't afford it. That prevents one from marrying when one can.
HOSTESS:
(Smiles wryly) How paradoxical! But
perhaps you're too eligible?
WILDE:
(Blushes afresh) There you have it! For
were I a desperate man, I shouldn't hesitate to clutch at a vulnerable
twig. But, thanks or no thanks to my eligibility,
I can never see the wood for the trees.
HOSTESS:
How disconcerting!
WILDE: On
the contrary, I find it most provocative.
The trees are the only things worth looking at.
HOSTESS:
Then you like my dress?
WILDE: Such
an elegant leaf.
HOSTESS:
How flattering! But you may pay the
price of plucking it one day.
WILDE: (His
gaze riveted on her bosom) That's a branch of aesthetics in which I'm well
versed, I can assure you.
HOSTESS:
Perhaps. But you aren't yet in debt to
my husband.
WILDE:
True, but only because he's in debt to me.
HOSTESS:
(Slightly alarmed) Oh, in what way?
WILDE: Eh,
financially.
HOSTESS:
Then I shall ask him to settle your account.
WILDE: (In
a subdued tone-of-voice) Personally, I'd rather you didn't. He has become such am amiable companion in
the short time I've known him. Besides,
I prefer intrigue. It's less wearisome.
HOSTESS:
(Smiles in a subtly coquettish way) Then you shall have it!
WILDE:
Allow me to congratulate you. What will
you have to drink?
HOSTESS:
(Taken by surprise) Whatever you suggest.
WILDE:
(Turns toward the wine cabinet) A double orange juice?
HOSTESS:
(Feigns indignation) Oscar!
WILDE: I
mean, a double orange juice and vodka.
HOSTESS: I
think vodka more becoming. Perhaps a little
orange juice would suit you, though?
WILDE:
Indeed it would, madam, were I not already partial to your magnificent wine and
consequently disinclined to mix drinks.
Even so, you would be none the less attractive for a change of glass.
HOSTESS: My
apologies for having underestimated you.
WILDE:
(Hands her a glass of vodka) Apologies are quite out-of-keeping with your
demeanour.
HOSTESS: As
is flattery with yours.
WILDE: Then
we are cold-blooded?
HOSTESS: I
prefer to think in terms of warmth.
WILDE: Your
wish is my demand.
HOSTESS:
Granted!
WILDE: (His
eyes reverting to her bosom) A breast in the hand is worth two in the bodice.
(Mr Richardson is seen approaching the newly acquainted couple with two glasses
of sparkling champagne in his hands.)
HOSTESS:
(Almost whispering) I fear we are about to be nipped in the bud.
WILDE: Not
when our liaison has already blossomed, Pamela.
HOST:
(Smiles candidly and extends one of the glasses to his special guest) For you,
Oscar! A truly exuberant bouquet.
WILDE: Cheers
Cyril! I never reject a magnanimous
offer.